Things to know about marriage
Ellen and Mark have only been married four years. They still love each other, yet ever since the birth of their first child, they frequently argue. They are not sure what to do about it.
Jim sees couples in their 60’s holding hands, looking amazingly happy together, and wishes he could experience that with his wife. He has been married fifteen years and has given up hope for that kind of happiness in his own marriage.
What does an attorney and mediator know and understand about these situations?
Plenty! I have shared the information below with people, and it has made a difference. For some people, it has helped them to stay married. For others, it helped them realize divorce was unavoidable, but they are at peace with their decision.
Below are some things that would be helpful for people contemplating divorce to know and understand. I believe this information can save relationships, or help people have clarity as to whether divorce is right for them.
If something is bothering you, talk about it. Hanging onto negative feelings hurt relationships. Communicating how you feel provides the other person with a chance to work it out.
Ellen and Mark need to do something now- before things get worse. Relationships constantly change, either for better or worse. They need to take action before serious damage is done, and while it is easier to repair. If talking it out on your own does not work, seek the assistance of a counselor or read a book to help them with communications.
What Jim hadn’t realized was that those couples that are so happy after many years of marriage had their share of difficulties. They did not suck up what they did not like, they worked on finding happiness. Jim also learned that what he was going through is a natural cycle of marriage. The cycles are:
Cycles of a Marriage
Honeymoon Stage
Both spouses love each other and believe the other is wonderful.
Each spouse is convinced their love will last forever.
They recognize the flaws in each other, but they believe those differences will not be a problem.
Reality Sets In
The cute little flaws are now annoying.
Discussions regarding hopes and dreams start taking on a different meaning. Serious disagreements and arguments may start taking place.
Some couples divorce at this stage. They figure, what’s the point of staying married if they are not happy.
Misery
Spouses want their spouse to change or else they want out; their patience is over.
Having a good marriage seems almost impossible at this point.
The suffering is intense. This is when most divorces happen.
Awakening
People rebuild based on an accurate understanding of who they each really are.
Many times, the couple seeks assistance from professionals, books, or programs.
This assistance, plus the knowledge they have of each other, allows for effective rebuilding to take place as they learn more about themselves and each other.
Many people give up before they get to the Awakening stage. Giving up too soon leads to people regretting their divorce after it is over, or to having unresolved emotions which leads to high conflict. When people work on the marriage one of two things happen. They either end up staying married, or they know for sure divorce is unavoidable for them. Those who know for sure divorce is unavoidable for them having an easier time moving on after the divorce. They are more peaceful and happy. So either way, working on the marriage is usually a good thing for a person to do. I say usually because in some instances, such as domestic violence, a person has to put their safety first.
A few other things to know:
If You are the One Contemplating Divorce
Working on the marriage will help you to discern whether divorce is right for you. You will also learn more about yourself which will assist you in your next relationship if divorce is unavoidable for this marriage.
Don’t compare new love to old love. When we first meet someone special, there are neurons in the brain that make us go crazy, we can’t eat, we can’t sleep, all we can do is think of this person. Over time, new neurons, stronger neurons take over. These stronger neurons deal more with logic and reason. The reason the magic feeling disappears isn’t a reflection on the relationship, it’s simply how neurons work. Many a person has left their spouse to be with someone in a new, sizzling relationship, just to be in the same spot around a year later.
If Your Spouse Wants to Leave and You Want to Remain Married
There’s still hope!
Phil McGraw’s Relationship Rescue book has some helpful information for this situation.
Dave Gardner’s Torn Asunder book is helpful when one spouse has cheated on the other.
Counseling only works if both spouses are willing to try.
Planned separations can help both spouses get on the same page as to whether or not divorce is unavoidable for them.
Things to Know About Counseling
Work with a therapist who is MFTS or EFT trained, and/or has significant experience working with couples. Just like doctors have their specialties,
ie. pediatrician, oncologist, so do therapists. Making sure the counselor has the proper background can make a difference as to whether you have clarity as to whether you should stay married or obtain a divorce.
If you or your spouse are not comfortable with the counselor, find a new one. It’s important that are both comfortable. A different counselor can make the difference between a happy marriage or a divorce.
Attend six to eight sessions with the same counselor. It takes that long for counseling to make a difference.
If you attend individual counseling, keep in mind that your counselor is limited to only your perspective. Which is why it can sometimes be helpful for both spouses to participate in counseling before the decision is made to end the marriage.
Options Besides Counseling
HelpOurMarriage.org, also known as
Retrouvaille.org, has a 75-80% success rate.
The Marriage Course, locations all over the country.
Myers-Briggs Personality Assessment
Helps people to understand their personality as well as their spouses. A session will help you to understand that it’s not about right and wrong, it’s about being wired differently. For an effective understanding, avoid the free online assessments, work with someone who has been certified.
Love Languages at: http://www.5lovelanguages.com, there is also a Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. Understanding your love language and your spouse’s helps you to connect and “feel” loved.
Gottman.com
Gold standard at helping people have effective relationships. They have a number of different tools available on their website.
Books That Make a Difference
Nonviolent Communication (A Language of Life) by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Effective at helping people communicate how they really feel without
starting arguments. It’s so effective, it has a world-wife following.
Becoming Parents: How to Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Grows by Pamela L. Jordan, Scott M. Stanley, and Howard J. Markman
Many cracks in the marriage start with the birth of the first child. This books helps with communication and to work together as a team.
Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil McGraw. It’s chock full of helpful information, including how to work on a marriage together or by oneself.
If Finances are an Issue
Sometimes spouses have a different definition of what money means to them. For some people, money means stuff, for others, it means security. And for other it means adventures. Understanding what money means to each of you, and how you can meet both of those needs may be the key to resolving financial issues.
For some, having one joint bank account causes arguments. The answer is for each spouse to have their own account so they each have their own money that they are free to do with as they choose. No more arguing over $5 or $15!!!.
Why Can Some Couples Overcome Their Difficulties And Others Can’t?
Sometimes each spouse is waiting for the other spouse to get started first. So, both spouses wait, and neither spouse ends up working on the marriage. The marriage then fails. What is a Christian called to do? Christians are called to answer God’s call regardless of what others are doing/not doing. God calls spouses to be the best spouse they can be, so sometimes that means being the first one to make the move.
Some spouses don’t even think it’s worth trying. If you do nothing to work on the marriage, you might regret the divorce afterwards. Close to 50% of people regret their divorce. If you work on the marriage you will know for sure if divorce is unavoidable. If divorce is unavoidable, you will know more about yourself which will help in the next relationship.
Sometimes couples try one option, and when that doesn’t work, they give up. It’s helpful to try a few different options. It’s like baseball. Batters fail more often than they succeed, yet they keep on doing what they can to improve. Sometimes, at some points during a marriage, people need to keep on trying to figure it out.
The grass looks greener on the other side. Getting rid of the current relationship and starting something new may sound like less work, but 75-80% of second marriages fail. Do not assume a new relationship will be better.
A few last nuggets:
The Harvard Negotiation Journal did a study that stated the key way to solve difficulties is the use of the work AND. Instead of arguing against what the other person wants, shift your focus on how you can get what you want AND your spouse can get what they want. Ann had a business selling specialty soaps and lotions out of her house. Her husband wanted her to end the business because he did not like all the people coming to his house. (Obviously all the people meant her business was a success.) Instead of arguing about whether or not the business should end, she only had people to the house when he was not home. They each got what they wanted.
Some spouses talk about what their spouse SHOULD do. The use of the word “should” is frequently a cause of conflict. You may want your spouse to do something, that doesn’t necessarily mean they should. It simply means you want them to do something, and they want something different. Just like you have the right to decide what you want them to do, they have the right to decide what they want to do. Should implies they are wrong if they want something different. Arguing about right and wrong can be frustrating for both spouses. Having a discussion about what each of you want and the reasons for wanting it can lead to growth and understanding in the relationship.
Think of love as an action word, not a feeling. Sometimes people no longer have feelings of love because they stop the actions of loving each other. If you start the actions of loving your spouse, the feelings may follow.
Some people divorce because they are not happy. They do not have issues with their spouse, they are simply not happy. Understand why you are not happy first. Then consider the marriage.
Remember, working on a marriage is not just about what we can do, but what God can do through us. What God can do through us is always infinitely better than what we can do on our own. So pray about what steps you are to take and how you are to take them.